letter to britney

Dear Britney Spears,
You are on the cusp of world domination. Over the past couple years your personal life has been at the forefront, you've had your fair share of downs and downs, but there is a "circus" (in stores Dec. 2nd) at the end of the tunnel. Your obsessive fans are hear to ensure your next album is a success. This will require work on the following three levels: professional, personal, and emotional.
Promote! Promote! Promote! We've seen your latest rehearsal videos online which has reinvigorated our desire to see you on stage. I cannot stand to listen to anymore fan made live versions of your imaginary tours. Please do us all a favor and hit us baby one more time with a world tour or any tour that will send you to Boston. One last tip on the professional level is stay with Larry! He is not crazy and he will do you good.... and he has pretty eyes.
Moving on to more personal matters, keep your panties on. You've done well lately, but it needed to be said. BE AS BORING AS POSSIBLE! Yyou will always have all of our attention, so stay classsy and save the shockers for your professional life (your bald head isn't quite as pretty as Natalie Portman's). PArt of staying classy is having standards in the dating department, which means no midnight swims with randoms. Our advice is to find a nice, young strapping man. A closet case would be perfect for this... Joe Jonas for example. The last thing you need is another womanizer (released on Monday Sept. 22). One last thing is to stay healthy and fit... spray tanning abs does not count.
The last key ingredient to success is staying emotionally balanced. Spending time with your two lovely boys will be the best way to counteract the media and keep you happy. Keep your family close, though we don't know all the details of your life, they seem to have your best interest at heart.
In conclusion promote! promote! promote!, keep your panties on, and take your prescriptions. The key to success is following our 3 P's of advice. See you at the circus bitch!

Love you!
Your Obsessive FAns